I never liked dating. Truthfully, I did precious little of it in all the years of my singledom- which were perceived to be longer in the midst of them and were more angst ridden than they need have been now that I'm 40 and married for a respectable length of time and oh-so-much wiser. Those situations in my 20s in which I did find myself auditioning for a would-be relationship were always frought with an almost paralyzing pressure to flirt, to be mysterious & yet sell myself at the same time. This was a most untenable kind of expectation- however imagined or self-imposed- and would immediately create a paradoxical reaction in which I would suddenly feel utterly a stranger to myself. What were my hobbies again? What did I do with my free time, exactly?
It's embarrassing to admit it since I've invested a lot of my time & energy in "developing" my selfdom. Vacuous is not a word I would ever use to describe myself and however arrogant it might sound, I took a certain amount of pride in being deep. So you can understand how the pressures of being "out there" with my true self vexed me. My inhibition was undoubtedly palpable in a few such situations and a real impediment to being known. One bloke even came right out & told me "You really take your time choosing just the right word. You should just speak." Yes! Of course! Now I feel so much more comfortable letting it all hang out.
(Thankfully, those days are over. My sweetheart has a lovely, funny, patient way of drawing me out and it was the singular impression of our meeting- the feeling of having been SEEN- that told me he was surely the one.)
Imagine, then, the strangeness to find myself here, starting a blog of all things. On a level, maybe not so strange, as I have always loved to write- letters, poems, stories, endless journals- you name it. But not so much for public consumption. The very act of blogging presumes a high estimation of all those clever thoughts darting around in one's head- a conviction that of course the world would benefit from your pithy observations and profound thoughts on life. And, not unlike flirting felt when I was single, hitting the publish button feels a bit like standing naked in a picture window. It requires a bravado that frankly, makes me feel kind of ill. What if people scoff? What if my thoughts are really not so special afterall? The arrogance of it is enough to make me run for the hills.
But then there is also the fact of my birth. I am a Leo- just barely, but a Leo just the same. And while I have never really followed the horoscopes, I understand that we're a fairly attention-seeking lot. And being 40 now, it's time I stop denying my true nature. So, I'm going to go with it and see how it turns out. I'm going to stand in the window, naked. A reluctant exhibitionist, yes. But scoffers be damned.
Lovely way to start out, Gin. I wish I were as intelligent as you with a talent for writing. And also, probably having many intelligent friends that care about what you write :)
ReplyDeleteI do technically have a blog but suffer with the idea of what to write about...and who cares? Aren't blogs for reading? What are blogs without readers? Do people care about our thoughts? They seem to on facebook.
At one point, I thought I'd cover a major topic every day or maybe even one silly essay a week. Perhaps in regards to Anakin Skywalker being a horrible character. Or Casey Anthony. Or my (non) thoughts about Irene. How do we write what we think or feel and try to be intelligent about it? How do we know that we have to say is worth it?
I've never thought of myself as intellectual...especially not beneath the shadows of brilliant people (such as yourself and your husband, select friends and family) but maybe one day their brilliance will run off on me and I'll eventually have something decent to say.
And then...how do we "publicize" these thoughts without appearing arrogant or desperate? I realize that my comment here could be it's own blog post but oh well! Even the style and background is pretty. Have I so little faith in myself? I miss the both of you. Some day, I will make the journey.
leo.
ReplyDeletetoday's horoscope - tuesday, Aug 30, 2011
Communicating with neighbors, friends, and family is accentuated. This is a good time to establish friendly relations at work also. Gossip and trivial conversation are temptations now.
i thought it a funny 'scope, a propos of your blog start date. somebody famous said we don't create for ourselves. we do it for an audience. i think it was in response to a comment that we create for ourselves, saying, 'bullshit.' it's a cool record, though, of the experience. i like yo electronic voice yo. like the can't wait to see the next post. :)
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